Deromanticize

All the space and mystery- we can begin again

2010-07-20T22:46:00.006-04:00

You know how things don't seem real when no one else sees it? Maybe this is why we all have to document our lives on Facebook and Twitter and blogs. To prove our own existence. Without getting into actual philosophy, it does seem that we have to have other people validate not only that we exist, but that we are worthwhile and that what we do is ok. No matter what society, there are rules and a need for communal acceptance. If you don't see me sleep until 2pm and then eat pasta for every single meal, I guess it doesn't happen. Now that I've blogged about it, maybe it did.

Somewhere, I wish there were a video of things that really happened. Once you start learning about memory, it's hard to shake that your own reality is completely constructed- by yourself, by the media, by others. It's impossible to know what really went on. And even if there were videos of the entire world encompassing every second of the day, you cannot see into people's heads. You cannot know their intentions.

In high school, my then boyfriend gave me the present of a watch. I did not want a watch. I told him repeatedly not to buy me a watch. I explained that I am picky and really just want to wear cheap sports watches from Target because they have everything I want and I don't feel guilty when they break. Of course, he comes over to my house one day and gives me a watch like it is the greatest, most perfect, most thoughtful gift. Everyone who knows me knows that I was raised to abide by the highest laws of etiquette. Someone could give me a dead rat as a present and I would smile and thank them, and maybe laugh like I was in on the joke that would prompt such a gift. So of course I smiled and thanked him for the watch. I said I would put it in my jewelry box and save it for a nice occasion. That's when he flips out, grabs the watch, and runs downstairs ranting about how I clearly don't want it. He tries to get my mom to take it because, according to him, I made a face, said "Ew, I don't want this" and threw the watch back in his face."

Obviously that never happened. I would never say that. But he swears that's what I did. Maybe my face did have a flash of annoyance go across it. It's nearly impossible to control all of your facial expressions. But there's no way that I actually threw it back at him and said "ew." So why does he believe this? I mean, he's probably forgotten about it by now, but what went on in his brain to construct that reality? And I mean besides being sort of psycho with a bad temper. Maybe his reality was created on what I was actually feeling.

At least in person you have several senses working to tell you what is going on. Online, it's just sight. Maybe sound. Remember lonleygirl15? For a while, it was real to most people that there was a pretty girl who was part of some strange religion and just wanted some friends on youtube. Then it became reality that the whole thing was fake. How many people out there have constructed personas out of people they only know online? Feeling like they truly know who they are?

And maybe you do. Maybe not seeing someone lets you know their mind better. Maybe the anonymity allows people to explore parts of themselves that won't show in the "real world" because then those things become real. Isn't that partly why people go to therapists? It's easier to talk to a stranger who isn't part of your "real life." So then what is real life?

This is what happens to a girl with too many ghosts in her past.

To err is human, to forgive divine

2010-06-14T22:34:00.004-04:00

Sadly, I will have an apotheosis and reach the level of a divine being. I hold a grudge like nobody's business. Today's A Softer World pretty much sums it up:

The scroll-over text reads: Well, he won't forget getting kneecapped.

Yes, I realize it's sad that I stay bitter for so long and plan my cutting words if ever the moment to use them should arrive. But sometimes people just need to be put in their place, no matter how long it takes. Better strap on some padding people who have wronged me in the past!

Why I can't lose weight

2010-06-04T21:16:00.002-04:00

About twice a month I tell myself I'm going to get serious about getting toned up and losing some weight. In high school I was horseback riding 6 days a week. Once I quit, I was going to the gym around 5 days a week. I was always in great shape. Then college came. I hated how long a walk it was to the gym, the food had high fructose corn syrup and tons of salt in it, and I wasn't participating in anything that would keep me fit. Since then, my body has been in a general state of decline. Despite my announcements (to myself... alone in my apartment... usually while watching something on my computer and eating...) that I will get in shape soon, I never do.

Here are some of the things that are holding me back:

1. I can't run outside. Gyms in Manhattan cost around $200 a month. Yes, PER MONTH!

2. Baking. I'm addicted to baking. I usually try to make my stuff on the healthier side, but no matter what a cookie isn't going to help shed the pounds.

3. Not getting started. I know this seems obvious, but the key to getting in shape is having a routine and sticking to it. If I just got into the habit of working out, it would seem natural to do it several times a week. It would feel weird not doing it. Once I start I can probably keep going, but starting in the first place is so hard...

4. Having people be "nice" and saying that I look great. I look fine. I'm certainly not obese or anything. But I don't look great, either. I know it's polite among women to tell each other that you're perfect as is but... STOP LYING, PEOPLE! If you say I could stand to lose a few pounds then it will motivate me to exercise!

5. Being able to watch tv on my computer. I will sit for hours watch old episodes of shows I like. God, I am so boring.

Anyone have any tips for how to get started with a workout routine? I have zero money and seriously cannot jog or run outside. Think I'm kidding? My legs turn red, I get out of breath, and I feel like I'm going to pass out. This doesn't happen at all if I'm in a gym on a treadmill. I've tried a lot, but no luck. What can I do?

2010-05-28T02:58:00.003-04:00

It's almost 3am and I cannot sleep. One night when I was up until about 6 I looked up what could be wrong with me. I'm fairly sure that I have a circadian rhythm sleep disorder called delayed sleep-phase syndrome. And by fairly sure I mean I looked it up on wikipedia and now I've decided that's what my problem is. Apparently I've tried "controlled sleep deprivation" before, but I've always failed. My other options are to sit around in the dark for a few hours before I want to sleep, take Melatonin, smoke some weed, or take some chemical drugs. Then there's the option of shifting my life around so that I can sleep the hours my body wants, but that doesn't really seem practical. Night at the Museum isn't real.

My biggest desire right now (aside from normal sleeping habits) is to go to a Lady Gaga concert. I checked online, but ticket are super expensive. I already accidentally spent, like, $200 more than I wanted to this month and now have to go return clothing that I may or may not have worn and spilled white wine on. Anyone want to donate to the send a poor grad student to see Gaga fund? I will make you Snickerdoodles once a month for the rest of your life.

Differently Qualified

2010-05-26T15:28:00.005-04:00

Cover letters are a load of crap. Just putting that out there. I don't understand their purpose. I've been told that they are supposed to expand on your resume, but really, what's there to expand upon? Not only did I make copies for idiots, but I smiled while doing it! Or maybe I managed to not destroy anything ancient or leak information about rich people when I was cataloguing Greek coins! How about I actually hate people, but I am short and blonde and cute so everyone thinks I'm super nice! Let me sell things for you! My friend and I were seriously considering pulling a Joey Comeau today.

The thing I like least about cover letters is that you write them, then you go for the interview, and they ask you about the same effing things you wrote about in your cover letter! It's ridiculous. Why did I spend hours debating sentence structure and ask 5 friends to read this when I get in there only to be asked "So, what type of experience do you have in this field?" or "Why do you think you would enjoy this job?" Come on... seriously?

Then there's the issue that I am totally able to do certain jobs, but don't have the experience. Can someone please explain to me why someone with a college degree who is currently in a Master's program at NYU needs 3 years experience to be a receptionist? Do companies really think I've gone this far in life and can't file things, use a computer, or answer the phone? Of course I am nowhere near qualified enough for most museum jobs. Sure, the cover letter is supposed to convince people you're the perfect match for their position, but if you don't have the background, you don't.

How does anyone find a decent job? Please tell me your secrets.

When the grass isn't greener

2010-05-07T22:07:00.003-04:00

Let's just all admit now that we sometimes get self-conscious about how we look. I would say it happens to me at least once a day, especially living in New York with super-model looking girls everywhere. So, every time I get down on myself because of my looks, I just have to remember I am the same age as Lindsay Lohan:

Kids today

2010-05-05T12:20:00.002-04:00

I'm feeling guilty for not going to work today, so obviously the best way to make myself feel better is justifying it in a blog entry. I'm not normally scheduled to work Wednesdays, but since my classes are over I said I might come in. The teacher I work with said, "Sure, come in any time." I was fully planning on going.

Then I woke up this morning and realized how much I don't want to put myself through extra time there. Yesterday, after an already long day of kids (really just two or three of the boys) treating me like dirt, the real kicker happened. We're walking down the stairs at the end of the day when one of the boys leaves his line spot and starts whispering to two other boys about something he did to a fourth boy. I was just going to let it be because it was the end of the day, but then the fourth boy discovers what was done to him: an open packet of either cream cheese or mayonnaise was put into the side pocket of his backpack. Now, the fourth boy is really annoying, has no social skills, and generally gets on everyone's nerves, but doing something mean like that goes way beyond what is acceptable. The teacher and I don't care if no one is friends with that fourth boy, but obviously we're not going to let anyone deliberately do mean things to him.

So, fourth boy finds this because he realized the other three boys were talking about him and I tell him just tell the teacher when we get outside. The culprit sees the fourth boy with the packet of gross stuff and pretends to not know what it is. Fourth boy says the culprit put it there. The culprit insists he didn't. At this point I step in and say "Culprit, I heard you telling the other two boys exactly what you did. Don't pretend you didn't do it. Stop lying because I know the truth." He kept insisting he didn't do it. His grandmother was informed of what happened and will be coming in for a conference.

By the way, this happened AFTER the culprit took someone else's lunch box and hit another kid in the face with it and then tried to say it was fine because the other kid didn't get hurt. This is also after another kid would just repeat everything I said to him back to me in an obnoxious tone and then threatened to tell his mom after he said something about me being nicer than the student teacher and I said "Everyone would be nice to you all the time if you were always doing the right thing." I told him I would gladly have him tell his mom that I was encouraging him to do the right thing. The culrpit also insisted that if I told the teacher how obnoxious he was by constantly talking back to me that I would get in trouble for interrupting her. Another kid almost threw a fit because I wouldn't let him make an accordion out of scrap paper when he was supposed to be doing word study.

So, that is why I didn't go in today. It shouldn't matter since I'm not officially scheduled to and the teacher I work with is really laid back. Also, I think I have giant papillary conjunctivitis. I want to use this afternoon to make various doctor appointments since my body is falling apart.

If you don't have anything smart to say...

2010-04-21T00:48:00.008-04:00

Don't say anything at all! Especially in a public forum.

Edit: Since writing this, I've read that a settlement has been reached. I'm leaving it up because I still cannot believe how stupid some people are.

Dear people who do not understand the doorman strike:

If you think that doormen just open doors, you are an idiot. If you think the strike will only involve doormen, you are also an idiot. If you write comments on a news article about the doormen's strike that makes fun of rich people not knowing how to open doors and "can't they just install automatically opening doors?" clearly you have never lived in New York... and you're an idiot.

The strike will not involve only doormen (who, by the way, act as security, accept/sign for packages, help people move in and out, let in dog-walkers and repair men, etc), it will also involve superintendents, porters, handymen, and basically ANYONE who works in an apartment building. Services like FedEx, UPS, food delivery, and pretty much anyone else that might need to get into a building and doesn't live there will not be able to cross the picket line. In 1991- during the last strike- sanitation workers would not disrupt the picket line to take trash away until it was declared a health hazard by the government.

Imagine you worked in a 15 floor building in the middle of a large city. All of a sudden no one was there to check who came into and out of your building, your floor, your office. Imagine no one was taking the trash out. No one was cleaning anything for days. The heat in the building starts going haywire, and no one able to come in and fix it. This is what will happen to thousands of New Yorkers, but instead of being able to go home where things are normal, that will be their home.

For me, all those things I mentioned are the least of my problems. I live in a pre-war building with an elevator that belongs in the Smithsonian. It is the old-fashioned type where someone needs to slide a door and a gate closed and use a level to make it go up and down. There is no way to make it move automatically- someone absolutely has to run it. I live on the 10th floor. While some residents in the building have volunteered to operate the elevator, there's no way they will be able to cover every shift. If this strike goes through (and, yes, I am up this late constantly checking news sources to see if it will), I will most likely have to trek up and down 10 flights of stairs multiple times a day. I also stupidly did not to laundry tonight (laundry is in the basement) and I sort of need clean towels.

So, if I see one more comment about rich upper east siders being spoiled and stupid, I'm going to find the person and make him carry a laptop, a Sigg, a notebook, various other things girls must keep in their bags, a tote bag full of groceries, and a case of cat food up to the 10th floor of my building. On the way in, he'll have to avoid the homeless people who are camping out between the outer door and the inner door to my building. Then we'll see who's lazy for needing a doorman.

For every high there is a low, for every to there is a fro

2010-04-12T01:15:00.004-04:00

Things I'm Loving Right Now:

I Should Coco soap from Lush. It has dessicated coconut in it, which gently exfoliates your skin as you rub it against your body in the shower. Perfect for getting rid of winter flakiness now that spring is here!
Watching Sex and the City online. Sorry, but I'm not going to share my favorite streaming site. I started with the second season because I think that the character development in the first is a bit weak. The Sex and the City girls are like old friends, but better because their problems are weirder than mine. At around 28 minutes each, one episode is perfect for relaxing before bed.
Karen Gillan, the new girl on Doctor Who. First of all, she's frickin' gorgeous. Like a less alien version of Lily Cole (whom I also love). Second, her character does what she wants without being loud and obnoxious about it like Donna was, is quirky and middle-class without being a chav like Rose was, and is not hopelessly in love with the Doctor like Martha was. Third, she seems to be an appropriate age for this Doctor. Even though David Tennant is apparently way older than he looks (he's 38!), I always felt that Donna was too old for him. I guess I want the Doctor to be a more endearing James Bond who always gets hot girls. By the way, that is pretty much all I know about James Bond because I refuse to watch any of the Bond movies. It's thing. Back to the topic. Fourth, she studied acting rather than just falling into it, so I have to admire that. Fifth, did I mention how gorgeous Karen Gillan is?
Baths, which I just recently discovered. Warning: TMI coming up. When I was little I had chonic urinary tract infections. I would get them at least once a month. My doctor said I had to stop taking baths, especially bubble baths. Because of that, I didn't take a bath probably from around the age of 7 to, well, now. I had a special mineral bath at a spa after my college graduation and one another time, but I've been really afraid to relax and soak in one. Last night I decided it might help my crazy muscle pain, so I cleaned my tub well, showered first, then filled it up with warm water and a bath bomb from Lush. Sooooo nice. I even played some "Spa Radio" from Pandora. I think weekly baths will have to become part of my new "don't become so stressed that you start ruining your life" regiment.
Cold Sesame Noodles. I've been craving these things like there's no tomorrow. I think I ate them every single day last week. Ordering them for delivery is getting expensive, so I need to find a good recipe online. I wish I had a dumptruck suitably sized to my mouth so I could have these babies flowing in all day long. That's how much I love them right now.

Things I'm Hating:

Windy weather that is distorting the temperature, making my hair gross, and causing my tri-fold display board that I hauled all around the city for two days to fly all over the place. I also have this problem where it's hard for me to breath when it's windy. I feel like if I start to breath in something will go wrong. No idea what. Wind, you are my enemy.
Long-Distance relationships. My boyfriend and I have been long distance for more time than we've been together. I'm sick of it. I miss him, then the negativity of that feeling leaks into everything else, transforms, manifests, and I end up wanting to pick fights and cry about stupid things all the time. We saw each other in the middle of March and won't see each other again until April 30th. I just want someone to make drinks with and have an organized Netflix queue. Is that so much to ask?
The shoddy quality of H&M accessories. I get that they're cheap and, well, that's why I buy them. But one headband I bought that it the traditional kind has torn fabric on one end. Another, that is the stretchy, circular kind, broke as soon as I went to put it on. Now I have to find time to exchange them. Seriously guys, Sweden invented dynamite, the blowtorch, the pyranometer, encryption machines, an entire day devoted to waffles, echocardiology/ultrasounds, soft drinks, the pacemaker, and IKEA! I simply do not accept that you cannot make a decent headband.
My job, which consists of 8 year olds giving me attitude all day. I'll ask them to please not talk back, play the guilt card and say that it makes me upset to have someone be disrespectful, and threaten that I will talk to the teacher about losing come choice time. Nothing works. I cannot stand kids to talk back, especially when what they say back isn't even a logical response to what I said. I think teachers should get to make a list of kids with bad manners, then those kids should be required to take an etiquette course with an older woman who will scare them into being little angles. As soon as my finals are done I will be looking for a summer job ASAP. I would rather deal with rude customers who leave after a few minutes than the same rude kids over and over again. Plus if I'm working retail or in a restaurant I will at least get some sort of discount out of it.

Mastering the Art of French Cooking... maybe

2010-03-27T23:09:00.005-04:00

Tonight I finally got around to watching Julie and Julia, mostly because it just got put on Netlix Instant Watch. I laughed, I became verklempt, and I almost vomited on more than one occasion. But, well, that's to be expected when a vegan watches a movie based on a book based on a French cookbook. I completely didn't watch the part where they did whatever they eventually did to the lobster and switched to a different screen during a few de-boning scenes, but overall I was inspired.

In case no one has noticed, I love food. It runs in the family and, luckily, we've all been blessed with the cooking gene. However, being a stressed, busy, and poor grad student I don't make very elaborate meals unless I'm really craving something. I also tend to make the same things over and over because they're easy- pasta with veggies, stir-fry, chili, chickpea curries.

While I don't want to do anything as crazy as 524 recipes in 365 days, I've been toying for months with the idea of veganizing the entire Mastering the Art of French Cooking. I would make it a separate blog and pledge to do at least one recipe from it a week. Is that even an interesting idea? I want a summer project. Thoughts?

So, what DO you eat?

2010-03-26T20:45:00.015-04:00

Oh noez!

Contrary to popular belief, being vegan does not feel like being in jail or hampering (excuse the pun) at all! Ask anyone and, while they might lament over the irreplacability of cheese, they will also tell you how being vegan has been the impetus for major explorations of new ingredients and cuisines. Over the past few months, whenever I make something particularly interesting, I've been taking a picture of it. This post contains all of the yummy things that were worth the ten tries it took to get a decent shot.

Chocolate Banana Cream Pie

Spinach Noodles and Gardein Chick'n in Onion Cream Sauce

...with herbed zucchini

Blueberry Scones with Clotted Cream

Artichoke and Shiitake Mushroom Pizza on Whole Wheat Crust
(sorry for the sideways picture! my computer won't let me fix it for some reason)

Pumpkin Pancakes with Homemade Blueberry Sauce

Sesame Tofu

Omelette with Swiss Chard and Cheezy Sauce

All of the breakfast foods are courtesy of Vegan Brunch aka the most amazing cookbook you will ever buy. If you loooove breakfast foods, this book is essential in your life. I had been craving an omelette sooo bad. In all honesty, the egg part of it did taste a little off, but I also didn't have the infamous salt that you're supposed to use.

Most of the other things I pulled from various online sources or made up myself. Hope these can answer the question "Is there food after vegan?" and, even better, "But, is there good vegan food?"

We all lose our charms in the end

2010-03-16T23:52:00.004-04:00

I had planned on going to sleep early tonight, after having a busy long weekend with the boyfriend in NC and then traveling all day today. The thing is, it's hard to go from falling asleep cuddling to falling asleep alone. I've watched tv online, read all my blogs, checked facebook too often, and caught up to the present FMLs. So, I guess it's time to make a list.

The 10 worst things about a visit with your long-distance significant other being over:

1. Saying "I love you. Goodnight." over the phone rather than in person.

2. The empty feeling in the bed.

3. You feel like a pig for eating all of the take-out because there is no one to share with.

4. Not being able to discuss and laugh about the tv show you're illegally streaming.

5. Wishing someone would get you a glass of water, but no one is around to do it.

6. Wondering if it makes you a psycho to try to hallucinate that your sig other is actually there, and then realizing you probably are a psycho for pretending an article of their clothing is them cuddling with you.

7. You do something ridiculous and totally mock-able, but he/she isn't there to laugh at/with you about it.

8. The absence of the best kind of distractions.

9. There's no one around who will listen to your endless complaining because he/she somehow thinks it's cute.

10. The countdown to seeing each other is reset.

The best thing? No more classical music in the car.

Getting the Inside Scoop

2010-03-11T20:36:00.004-05:00

Much of my posts thus far have been complaints, so I figured it's time to talk about something awesome I've been doing lately: visiting exhibition design firms. For the past three weeks, my class has met at different locations throughout New York City to gain insight on some of the top design companies in the US. I'd never be qualified to actually work at these places (unless I decide to get a third degree in graphic design), but seeing how an idea goes from concept, to pitch, to model, to real life has been so interesting.

First stop on the visits was Pentagram. They take a very intellectual, conceptual approach to design. They're less focused on aesthetics and more focused on following through on a theme. The man who gave us the talk (of course I forget his name) emphasized the importance of truly understanding and caring about the topic of the exhibit. For example, when trying to design the Harley Davidson Museum he bought himself a Harley and rode around on it for months. He then listened to nothing but Elvis Presley for another exhibit. One of the coolest things he did was transform a semi-useless model of Manhattan into this:

Not to mention designing the official time capsule for the U.S. government, thereby getting an invite to the White House New Year's Eve party:

I was also partial to Pentagram because they provided us with snacks (snapple and cookies, including oreos- yay!) and, really, who isn't won over by food?

Next was The Rockwell Group, headed up by the semi-famous designer David Rockwell. This group has designed countless upscale restaurants and hotels, along with Broadway sets and The Oscars for two years running. Their thing is using texture, color, and architectural patterns to create an overall mood and pleasing visual aesthetic. We were able to tour their entire office, seeing an awesome wall of paper plates that had been laser cut with designs, a voting booth constructed out of thousands of individual matchsticks, and (most fun!) the interactive lab. We got to play with maracas that cause explosions and words to appear on a screen when you shake them (apparently tons of drunk people at a charity event loved these) and test out a new, large touch screen device. They also are working on interactives that are triggered by brain waves. Somebody really wants to harness the power of the force.

The museum design we heard most about was the Walt Disney Family Museum. The concept was to have the aesthetic features mirror the era of Walt's life that the gallery was about. As you go through the museum, the colors, prints, and textures will get more modern. We were able to see the materials boards they put together, along with renderings. The class also got to hear all the details about what would happen at the Oscars, see the set design model, and watch digital presentation! I basically felt like a Hollywood insider.

Another cool project they're working on is The Imagination Playground, which is all pro-bono work targeted at revitalizing Lower Manhattan. The playground is based on the idea of free-play and letting children do what they do best- make up ridiculous things! The products are all eco-friendly and they're even making a "playground in a box" so that small parks throughout the city can buy this equipment.

Sadly, no snacks were provided. The tour might have made up for it, though.

Today we went to Batwin and Robin , which focuses on media within exhibits. They did the the wavy film reel for the Walt Disney Family Museum, a drawing if which is in the link above. They also produced the opening show at the Hayden Planetarium (one of my favorite places), the giant video that plays behind the Rockettes, and the theater project at the National Museum of the American Indian. I guess if I had to pick this would be my least favorite visit, but only because it is the furthest away from my interest/what I would ever do in life.

I've always had an interest in design (lifelong HGTV watcher here), so seeing the different methods and the amount work that goes into designing every detail of an exhibition has been amazing. I'm so excited to move on to the next phase of the project for this class. My partner and I get to go paint and fabric shopping!

Now you all know what it's like t0 be (or at least the fun parts of being) a Museum Studies student. Next on the list for me is Spring Break, half of which I'll spend with me boyfriend in the not-so-deep South. The other half I'll spend working on things for the org I volunteer for and actually having a break by not working with America Reads, even though I should. I also might take the next step to being a real adult and do my taxes on my own for the first time ever. Here's hoping I don't royally screw up and end up with the feds after me!

On primitive urges

2010-02-28T22:57:00.003-05:00

Why will absolutely no one respect my decision to adopt children?

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of hearing that giving birth and raising a human that has some of your genes is the best experience in life. Does that mean that women who are physically unable to have children are any less mothers than women who give birth? Does this mean that gay couples who adopt aren't truly parents?

The worst argument given to me is that I should have at least one of "my own" and then see if I still want to adopt. Why would I do this when everyone has made it completely clear that they would favor the biological child? Why would I bring a child into my home only to have her deal with her family favoring another child? Simply by saying the biological child will be "my own" child shows that they think the adopted child is someone else's and raising her will not be as good an experience and she will not truly be part of the family. I even had one person remark that they wouldn't want "someone else's mistake."

Your true children are the kids you bring into your home, love, support, and raise. They are not whoever share genetics with you. I will not allow anyone to make me feel like I am missing out on something by choosing to become a mother by giving a home to a child who desperately needs it, rather than needlessly fostering cells in my uterus until they develop into a baby and then painfully expelling it from my vagina. Passing on your genetics does not make you superior or a saint. Children that have your genetics are not automatically cherished angles to be held above all the rest.

My boyfriend asked, "Don't you want to be able to see parts of yourself in your children?" I answered that I will see myself in the morals and values I have taught them, and how they carry those lessons with them throughout life. That is so much more important than whether they have my blue eyes or freakishly large hands.

Just because I have gotten past the basic urge to send me genes out into the world for another generation does not mean that I have not put a huge amount of thought into my future plans for children, that I will somehow be missing a part of me, or that you have the right to make me feel like crap about an opinion I have held since junior high. So please stop.

PS: Asian language spammers can also kindly stop leaving comments on my entries that are just links to websites that are probably porn. Seriously, stop. You're almost as bad as all of my family and friends who are pressuring me not to adopt.

On owning a cat (so far)

2010-02-25T21:47:00.002-05:00

As most of you know (since I only have, like, 3 friends who read this blog), I've been working on adopting a cat for the past month or so. I am extremely indecisive, especially when it comes to decisions that will affect you for the next 15 years or so. I literally spent hours every day browsing PetFinder. Then I found the perfect cat. And then the rescue organization chose someone else to adopt him over me. NGL, I was pretty upset. I had already created a whole fantasy life for me and this cat.

After a suitable grieving period (don't worry, it was about a day) I started looking for another cat to submit an application for. I knew I wanted a cat that had something unique about him/her, but I also wanted a cat that my boyfriend would like. He likes very standard looking tabby cats. We found Lolita. I had to jump through a few hoops before being allowed to adopt, but I am now the proud owner of a cuddly, demanding, adorable kitty who I have re-named Lola.

I've been a dog person for most of my life, even though my family has always had cats. Honestly, part of me is still adjusting to the differences. Mostly, cats are crankier than dogs. I am also a cranky individual. I think dogs balanced me out. Cats also don't drink water often, which makes me paranoid. About 4 or 5 times a day I sit by her water dish and try to convince her to drink some. I have had her for about a week now, and I've seen her drink once. I'm sure she's had some water while I wasn't home, but come on- can't she drink just to make me feel better?

I also accidentally taught her to start begging for people food. I couldn't help it! I was so excited that she liked chickpeas!

Having a pet in the house makes me feel so much better. It's beyond me how anyone can be fully happy without at least some sort of animal companion. To illustrate the joy Lola brings, I will leave you with a video of her trying to rip the guts out of a catnip mouse:

On my resentment of wine

2010-02-20T22:22:00.004-05:00

When someone gets home after a long day, pours a glass of red wine, and relaxes to a good book or some tv, no one thinks anything of it. Wine is the ultimate acceptable drink. Especially red wine. Girls in their 20s get together for wine nights and it seems classy. You order it with your meal and it seems classy. You go on tasting tours and it seems classy. You get woozy from it alone in your apartment and fall asleep and... maybe it doesn't seem classy but it doesn't seem like you're an alcoholic either.

How did wine end up in this coveted social position? It's obviously tied to media, but I don't have any idea how it snuck into films, tv shows, etc. Apparently the guy who made Grey Goose fancy also made up a mass-media campaign to make Jager Meister the preferred drink of slutty girls and therefore frat guys as well. I feel like this didn't happen with red wine. Maybe it's all the heart-healthy stuff? Truth is, whatever it does in helping your heart doesn't make up for the damage it does to your brain, but in America we don't care about being intelligent- just not having a heart attack. Maybe if you didn't guzzle down red meat like it was your job you wouldn't be in this predicament, America!

So, here's my beef (haha, no connection intended) with the wine situation. I'm not a big wine fan. I'm ok with the much-loathed Manischewits heavy malaga, probably because it mostly tastes like grape juice with a kick, is the fist wine I ever had, and is the wine I most often drink. I like some white wines, though I haven't figured out a pattern. I liked the dessert wine served at my sister's wedding. That's about it. I'll drink the Trader Joe's two-buck-chuck.

I hate not being able to perceived as classy based on what I drink, but even more I hate that I don't have an alcohol that I both like and is considered acceptable to drink alone. Until today, I had never had alcohol outside of a dinner or party setting. But today, I took matters into my own hands. I said, "Screw you societal labels and standards!" and made myself a mixed drink. Lemonade and watermelon vodka.

And I totally feel like an alcoholic for drinking alone.

So now I say "Screw you societal labels and standards!" again, but this time for making me feel bad about something that isn't actually a big deal. If I don't like wine, I should still be able to have a relaxing drink. I should be able to have whatever I want and feel no guilt, as long as I'm not getting completely drunk or doing it every night.

I'm going to start a campaign to have vodka-based mixed drinks become classy. They will consist of either cool or beautiful or both women curling up with classic novels or lauded contemporary fiction, lifting the mixed drink to their lips, and looking completely confident and at-ease with themselves. Volunteers? I know everyone likes spiked lemonade, secretly or not. Plus, great source of vitamin C!

The Demise of Food Shopping

2010-01-15T19:35:00.003-05:00

Food shopping was one of my few simple joys in life that also had a purpose. Unlike watching Tool Academy or getting rid of blackheads (which only come back the next day), buying food is necessary. And I loved it. Perfect combination. So why NYC, why did you have to take this away from me?

Because I like weird things, I pretty much only shop at Fairway and Whole Foods. I hate having to go to multiple places to get everything I want, plus Fairway is about 1 1/2 blocks from my apartment. Maybe it's different at smaller places, but people are so pushy and it's always incredibly crowded. I like to take my time at supermarkets- browsing new items, reading nutrition facts, debating as to whether or not something I want but don't need is worth the money, looking at prepared desserts and figuring out how to make them myself, etc. There are endless things to enjoy. Not so much when you have five people crowding around you, trying to get through, vying for the item you are contemplating.

Then there's the whole not using a cart thing. I make myself use a basket because filling a cart means the impossible task of then carrying all of those things home. So, in addition to angry mobs keeping me from my delicious sustenance, my arms feel the slow burn of muscle being torn apart. I switch hands back and forth, but to no avail. Buying almond milk, cans of beans, and my individual Very Vanillas is just too much for my petite frame to take. Should I learn to just control the amount I put in a cart so I can use one? Yes. Could I learn to just control the amount I put in a cart so I can use one? NO. I love food too much.

I am still trying to figure out how to solve this problem. There is no way I'm going another 1 1/2 years without relaxing grocery shopping. Part of my solution to this is going shopping at odd-hours. Let other people hit up the trendy bars- it's a Friday night and I'm heading out to Fairway!

On how I can't tell a story

2010-01-07T20:46:00.002-05:00

As you may or may not have noticed from this blog- I can't tell a story to save my life. My boyfriend and I actually joke about it, as we're both dreadful in that department, and sometimes just stop each other when one of our stories goes off-track.

I've had this problem since I was a child. I would forget very important details of the back-story, but not realize it until I got to the part when it mattered. Then I would instruct the person to "wait" because "in the beginning when blah blah blah was going on and so-and-so did this with character x and it was really important and now you'll know why" and then go on with where I had just been. This would happen several times. Especially when talking about books. Never ask me what a book is about.

It never bothered me that much as I am great with one-liners, but today it hit me how extremely awful my narratives are. A third grader in the school I work at tells better stories than I do. Plus, they're about extremely boring, every-day events. She has the gift. Her story about a car-ride to Massachusetts that was about a paragraph long was emotive, had a large vocabulary, and was constructed with a great sequence of events. Basically all that happened was that the trip was long, the car was hot, and everyone was cranky. She brought it to life. It's one thing when you read great stories by notable authors who, while having a natural gift, have also honed their craft. It's another when you're pwnd by a 7 year old. My only consolation is that she comes from a super-strict family that doesn't allow her to watch tv. I'll give up being an award-winning author for my sit-coms.

It's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey... stuff

2010-01-04T00:28:00.005-05:00

Today the mom of the family I babysit for told me that I'm no longer needed, as they will be hiring a full time cleaning lady/nanny. She said that because of how many hours she's working, she just needs someone to do much more housework. I know it's not my fault or her fault or anyone's fault, but now I am screwed with money. I was living off of that money and using the money from my work-study job for when I needed something extra. Now I need to find another job that will work with my crazy-restrictive hours.

Even though New Year's was amazing and I had a great visit with my boyfriend, I'm feeling pretty down about my employment predicament. So now I'm thinking about when I've brought people down. When someone I know becomes too difficult, I tend to cut them out. Sometimes I look back and think that it was definitely the right decision. In fact, 99% of the time I am sure it was the right decision. That almost makes up for the one person who didn't deserve it.

But there's nothing I can do now. It would be too weird to contact this person. I don't even want to be friends again, just apologize for being a huge jerk. We couldn't be friends again. Eventually I will send back the books he loaned me. I saw that he has friends on twitter (come on, everyone stalks people from the past!) so that makes me feel better. This person truly deserves great friends. He's writing about sports like he always wanted to. He's just as annoyed as I am that people are forgiving Michael Vick. He has a crush on Regina Spektor. Maybe in an alternate reality we are friends who watch Steve Martin movies and debate which Disney princess is the best.

Maybe in an alternate reality I don't need to stalk people over the internet.

Gonna fly, fly, fly

2009-12-26T15:44:00.003-05:00

Almie at Apocalypstick suggested a while ago that we all start working on our resolutions early. That way, when January 1st rolls around, you can finally be ahead of the game and accomplishing something you want. I am a chronic procrastinator, so this seemed like the perfect opportunity to tackle one of my goals. For several months now I've been toying with veganism, saying I'm slowly transitioning, etc, etc. Basically I was being stupid about it because I yell at my boyfriend all the time that he'll never be a vegetarian if he keeps thinking "Well, I've cut down and I'm still working on it" because eventually you need to draw the line, commit, and never look back. It's like High Fidelity... ok, it's actually not. But the same idea applies. Decide what you want and stop pussyfooting around. I was being hypocritical, which sucks, because everyone hates hypocrites including me. I seriously hate them. I don't want to hate myself!

So, for about a month I have been eating only vegan, even when at restaurants or desperately in need of a snack. My biggest downfall was snacking with the girls I babysit, since there was usually some sort of dairy on the crackers, butter on popcorn, etc. I finally said enough is enough, but didn't want to call myself vegan because I wasn't sure I had really committed to it yet. For some reason it is much more daunting to say you're vegan than saying you're a vegetarian. Maybe it's because it's much harder to eat out, or because of all the social stigma attached to it, or because I'm just worried I'll give in and end up getting the mozzarella, spinach, pesto sandwich from starbucks when I am absolutely starving and there's nothing else around. For whatever reason, I wasn't ready to accept the label yet.

On Christmas, I think I earned the right to start saying I'm vegan. The reason? I resisted italian pastries. For people who aren't from the New York area, this might not seem like a big deal. For people who grew up practically exploding from excitement when that glorious box wrapped in red and white string came home, it's quite a feat. We get them every Christmas, and every Christmas I relish in the napoleons, cannolis, cream puffs, and others that I don't know the real name of. I had sort of forgotten about them, but when I saw my mom putting them on the fancy three-tiered plates, my heart dropped a bit. But I didn't give in. Instead, I resolved to buy whatever those metal things are you need to make canolli and try out this recipe. I then loaded up on the sugar cookies I made and dipped them in very vanilla soy milk, because I am 5 years old like that.

On January 1st, I will have already accomplished my new year's goal. Go me! However, since this one was so successful, I feel the need to make some new ones:

Eat less processed foods, which is going to be hard with the addition of Gardein products to the supermarket.
Proofread papers before I hand them in.
Find my perfect haircut.
Plan and execute some elaborate moneymaking scheme so that I can pay off my student loans, eat at Blossom and Candle 79 all the time, and buy expensive clothing.

I figure every resolution list needs something you will never accomplish. I feel better about failing at making a ton of money than failing at losing weight. Besides, with vanity sizing it is becoming impossible for me to find jeans with a small enough waist, so mabye I should just get fat and not worry about it, but that's a rant for a different entry.

I hope everyone enjoyed the holidays and is planning for a dazzling NYE!

Can Vegans Kill Death Eaters?

2009-12-07T17:12:00.010-05:00

Sometimes I find certain blogs inexplicably charming, funny, and ridiculous all at the same time. Today I was searching for a military themed cupcake pan for a friend who is dating someone in the marine reserves, and stumbled upon Dumbledore's Vegan Army. Who comes up with these things? In all honesty, the desserts are extremely cute and I might end up making some of them. It's just one of those things were if you knew the person it would be like "Oh, that's so you." I love quirkythings like that.

Since I'm on a vegan food kick in this post, I want to share some of the yummy things I have made and remembered to take pictures of lately. And by lately, I mean in the past 3 months.

Tempeh Teriyaki with Broccoli and Cashews

Rocky Road Brownies

(next time I will add the marshmallows sooner, so they sink into the batter more)

Breakfast time(!): Tofu scramble with smart bacon, whole wheat toast, and fresh fruit. It was so good we completely forgot to take pictures before eating!

The boyfriend digging in:

My plate:

Obviously I have made more food than this, but I forgot to take pictures. I wish I had taken some of the Acorn Squash and Black Bean Empanadas I made for Thanksgiving, along with my pumpkin pie.

Once finals are over I will probably be cooking a ton of exciting dishes, so look forward to more food porn!

2009-12-05T14:18:00.002-05:00

Dear Global Climate Destabilization,

I need a winter wonderland right now. It's December, my spirits are down, and I've been eating too many desserts. It should be snowing today, but you have turned beautiful snow into disgusting slush. Looking out my window makes me depressed. You are not a welcome guest on this planet. Please leave.

Sincerely,
Someone who wants her seasons back

True Words from Joey Comeau

2009-12-02T00:18:00.006-05:00

Perhaps being done with finals will give me that same satisfied feeling.

Careful What You Wish For

2009-11-29T23:21:00.004-05:00

I wish that...

I could say to my professor "You clearly don't care about this paper, so why should I?"
fat people would not try to squish into seats on the subway that are too small; especially when that space is next to me
I could remember to cut cookie recipes in half so I don't have two dozen chocolate chip cookies going stale
everyone could understand that vegan food is regular food and can taste just as delicious
I didn't get dehydrated so easily
my boyfriend wouldn't wait until right after he says he's going to bed to ask me if everything is ok since I have only been giving one word answers for hours
I never lost any of my knowledge of German
less people in New York City looked like my high school boyfriend
people in my program wanted to have a social life or include me in theirs

I guess that's it for now.

With candy canes and silver lanes aglow

2009-11-23T02:05:00.002-05:00

While I am very against Christmas coming before Thanksgiving (I'm looking at you store windows and people who decide when lights go up on major NYC street), I am pretty excited to start watching Christmas movies. So, here is a list of a few of my favorites:

Serendipity
This is one of my favorite romantic comedies of all time. I keep forgetting to go to the restaurant with my boyfriend, but it used to be a tradition for my mom and I to go there with two family friends whenever we were in the city. The frozen hot chocolate truly is amazing. Once I went there with my friend and her parents and ordered just ice cream toppings as my dessert. Anyway, this is about the movie and not the restaurant. The movie is one of the cutest ever. It reminds us not to settle, and that the crazy, irrational, obsessive actions are actually what make romance happen. It reminds us to have a little faith in fate. It has ice skating and snow at the perfect time. It has Eugene Levy as a crazy store clerk. There is nothing bad about this movie, except perhaps me wishing John Cusack was better looking.

A Muppet Christmas Carol
My family is incapable of getting through one Christmas season without someone exclaiming, "Light the lamp, not the rat!" I pretty much always prefer muppet versions of stories to any other version. Humor, puppets, and a life lesson? Count me in!

Miracle on 34th Street
One of my favorite quotes comes from this movie:

"Someday you're going to find that your way of facing this realistic world just doesn't work, and when you do, don't overlook those lovely intangibles. You'll discover those are the only things that are worthwhile."

Of course my mom's favorite part is when Mrs. Shellhammer drunkenly agrees "We'd love to have Santa Claus come stay with us!" She always likes drunk people in movies the best. Even though Kris is supposed to really be Santa, I enjoy the message that there is no harm in humoring crazy people as long as it's not hurting anyone. And why not believe in a little magic? If you look at everything too realistically it will be hard to find unencumbered joy in the world. I think it really captures the essence of the Christmas Spirit.

Love Actually
I never really view this as a Christmas movie, but I logically know it is so I will include it on this list. In all honesty, this might be the perfect movie. I have never met someone who did not love this movie. Even people who start out as skeptics end up loving it. Everyone's lives are intertwined, it doesn't have a perfectly happy ending for everyone so it's realistic, the happy things make you truly happy, and it has an amazing cast. To top it off, it has Hugh Grant as prime minister serving it to the skeezy American president and then doing a victory dance to "Jump." I couldn't find a video that I could embed, so here is a link to it because it's something everyone needs to see. It's also always nice to be reminded that there were lobsters there the night Jesus was born.

The Year Without a Santa Claus

'Nuff said.

I don't mean to neglect the Jewish part of my heritage, but there just aren't any great Hanukkah/Chanukah (I can never decide how I want to spell it) movies out there. The only thing that comes to mind is the Rugrat's Hanukkah special, but it pales in comparison to the Passover one. Maybe I should make a Chanukah movie. It can involve a massive blackout and eight people with old fashioned oil lamps that allow there to be enough light to get people by until they catch the terrorists who did it. And those eight people are the ones who catch the perpetrators. Ok, I am not the greatest at thinking up movies, but I truly do enjoy celebrating this holiday. 1) I love things that are deep fried. 2) A less known Hanukkah tradition involves eating cheese (which will be vegan for me this year!) in order to celebrate a Jewish woman getting a Syrian leader drunk on wine and cheese, then beheading him with his own sword, thereby saving her village from siege. Not that would make a good movie. It also really makes me wish that there were more Jewish illuminated manuscripts.

Whatever you like

2009-11-10T14:48:00.002-05:00

Ok, holy crap about last night's Gossip Girl. I had read that there was going to be a threesome on it, but really?! Those characters?! It is the most awkward thing ever. I guess my biggest problem with the entire scene (besides being generally grossed out by the concept) is that the characters barely seemed drunk. They were so subdued. I know that they were supposed to be plastered and it showed one of them (I feel the need to make this non-spoilery) downing what I guess was vodka, but it just didn't seem realistic at all. Especially the second kiss. Or the 3rd character's reaction to the first kiss. They seemed so business like about it, and I know they were following a plan, but still. You don't enter into something like that as if you were cleaning out the closet and could then cross a chore off of your to-do list. The sobriety of the scene made everything painful. I was pretty excited by the drama-aspect of it when I read that there was going to be one, but now it isn't drama- just so uncomfortable that I had to cringe and look away. The only good thing was the remix of the song that they played, but even that didn't really fit because I got the feeling that none of them wanted to do it!

On the opposite end of the spectrum: I LOVED Mad Men last night! (Might have a bit of spoilers, but I'll keep it vague.) I loved Peggy's response and I loved Pete's line, "I'm not really sick." I loved "Joan... Good idea." I love that Pryce is coming along and that they all admitted that even if they may not like him, no one else knows how to do what he does. I am betting that Sal comes back next season. I loved the brief moment of tension between Peggy and Trudy. The only one I'm really sad to see go is Kinsey, because I loved his rivalry with Peggy. Everything business-related in the episode just went down perfectly. Plus, I like that Don did the exact opposite of what his father did. A lot of people are interpreting the flashback as Don realizing he should go out on his own, but really he set up the kind of collective that his father was too strong-headed to be a part of. I am so excited to see how it all plays out next season.

I flat out feel bad for Betty (or Betsy.... I swear in the first season they always called her Betsy.) She isn't in love with Henry. I feel that she sees it as her only way out and is hoping for some fairy tale ending that she already knows is not going to happen. However, while I wasn't thrilled with the way Betty's emotions were portrayed in the last two episodes, I thought that this one was spot-on. It showed the struggle for her to keep her cold demeanor, while before that the acting made it seem like she was incapable of being any other way.

Now that Mad Men is over, I need a show to fill its spot. Any suggestions? Bonus points if it's on Netflix instant watch.

2009-11-01T01:50:00.001-04:00

I want to blog about Halloween and how girls dress too slutty and how sometimes it's hard to tell if people are in costume or always crazy, but right now all I can think about is how I really, really, really want snickers. They're so good. Please comment to confirm by opinion on Snickers.

Why do we ask "What's wrong with me?"

2009-10-23T00:57:00.004-04:00

"You, my beautiful, brainy, fabulous daughter,
were lying on the bathroom floor,
wondering what you had done wrong..."
- Gilmore Girls

I fear that too many women have gone through this. I know I have. A guy isn't treating you right, so you get drunk and end up crying. But not because he's a jerk; because you think you caused his selfish, hurtful behavior. It can't be that he made a mistake- it has to be something that you've done. How could you have allowed it to happen? What could you have changed about yourself that would have stopped this situation from materializing?

The answer is nothing, except maybe telling the guy off sooner. The question isn't what the woman has done to deserve this sort of treatment, but why she puts up with it. Come on, ladies- we're better than that! You don't have to put up with this sort of crap. And you aren't going to change the guy, either. (Unless you bring him to Tool Academy. I secretly [well, not soooo secretly] want to be on that show and use the therapist's tactics to talk to my boyfriend. Oh, and Kristen Bell watches Tool Academy. I feel that this validates both my watching of the show and my several years long girl-crush on Bell.) Anyway, I hate being that girl and I hate when I see my friends being that girl. But I don't know what to do to change it. How do you change being forgiving and nice? Furthermore, should you have to change those qualities? They're good qualities. I don't want to stop believing people when they apologize and promise to be better. I want to believe in positive change. I don't think others should lose this ability either. I'm not saying to be a pushover, but it's sad when the selfishness of others turns someone bitter.

What I do believe is that guys should stop taking advantage of these qualities. Just because you know someone will forgive you doesn't mean you should give them things that they have to forgive. Why is it so easy for men to forget that their actions might actually affect people other than themselves? I wish I could be a man for a day just to understand this. It baffles me how the emotions of men work. Even though I logically know otherwise, I always feel like men's emotions function completely differently from women and that they don't feel things in the same way- or maybe they don't even feel the same things- or maybe they don't feel at all. It's so confusing. My brain cannot fathom a man loving someone in the same way that a woman does. Do men care about these issues? Do they want to fix them? Am I completely abnormal in my thinking pattern?

This post doesn't really have a point besides me hating that girls have to have breakdowns like in my GG quote, and wishing that I and so many others couldn't relate to it so well.

2009-10-21T01:01:00.007-04:00

Why I don't want to write my paper

2009-10-19T23:35:00.004-04:00

Those of you who know me or read my info know that I'm in a Museum Studies program. I absolutely adore the concepts and material, and I'm definitely looking forward to a lot of things. Something I am absolutely not looking forward to is writing my first paper for History and Theory. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but the professor makes it impossible to be excited about anything in his class.

We've been writing weekly response papers to the reading, but no matter what you do it's never good enough. As soon as you think you know what he wants, he wants more. He also will only accept what he already thinks- once he decides the point of something that's that. While this is annoying for the response papers and class discussion, it makes writing a paper that's worth 20% of my grade positively terrifying.

To complicate matters, I have no real idea of what we're supposed to write. I initially thought we had to compare and contrast two exhibitions. Then in class he was talking about how te descriptions of the exhibitions should be the bulk of the paper, so I asked for some clarification. He gave some convoluted answer about how everything should be supporting the thesis so your comparisons will become something or other, blah, blah, blah, blah I totally lost track of what he was saying. Someone else pointed out that the paper he wants us to use as an example is about 30 pages long, but our paper has to be 7 pages give or take half a page. She asked if he could point us to other papers that were closer to what we should write. He couldn't. The example paper also has a ton of background research, while our papers should have none. So, how is this paper actually a good example to base our papers off of? No one knows.

While I think that my thesis is valid and interesting, I am about 80% certain that the professor will not like it. It won't matter how well-written or well-supported my paper is (I'm not saying it will be, this is all hypothetical), I'm fairly certain he won't like it. All of the interest and excitement that I might have had about this class and its topics is gone. It's one thing to push your students, and another thing to frustrate them to the point of no hope.

So, what's a girl to do when faced with an impossible task? I'm leaning towards watching either Gilmore Girls or Veronica Mars and eating some chocolate. Specifically, a vegan chocolate tart from Candle 79 that I picked up at Whole Foods. Have I mentioned how amazing their prepared desserts section is?

Also, why haven't we been seeing more of Joan in Mad Men? I miss her, even though Peggy is doing an awesome job lately. Peggy just doesn't have the style and class of Joan. And I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but how good was the ending scene? You know that everything is going to unravel before the season is over. I'm excited.

Does karma exist?

2009-10-19T00:25:00.002-04:00

I really want to believe that karma does exist. I want to believe that when people do crappy things they are not rewarded. But life likes to prove me wrong. My main problem here is: why does everyone like people who have awful morals?

There is this girl- I'll call her Cheating Jerk- CJ for short. Now, I have met her on several occasions, but mostly I heard gossip (TRUE gossip) about her through a network of friends I was on a team with. As far as I know, she has cheated on every single guy she's ever dated. On one occasion it was in the room directly next to the room her boyfriend was in. She went back to her dorm with her boyfriend and a friend, dropped the boyfriend off in one room, and then went and hooked up with the friend in the next room. That's screwed up, right? She then ends of dating the guy she cheated with. Every time. This has happened several times. Now, I wouldn't care about this if she was held accountable for her actions, but she's not. People still love her. They comment on facebook pictures about how cute she and whatever current boyfriend she's with are. Everyone adores CJ. To me, this is wrong. If you cheat once and legit feel sorry about it, ok. You can prove to people you're still a good person and it can be forgotten. But when you are a pathological cheater? Sorry, but no. At some point people should say "I'm no longer going to be friends with her because she doesn't deserve friends."

Maybe this makes me a bad person. I don't know. But I get jealous of people with tons of friends who I don't believe deserve them. Another example is this guy who was ridiculously mean to me for no good reason. He also has a lot of dirt on my boyfriend and thinks that bringing it up is funny, even though I already know all of it (from my boyfriend, who is honest and doesn't hide things). He has to bring up at least one painful story every time we see him. It's tired and I'm sick of it. He also told my boyfriend (before we were dating) and probably a bunch of other people that I'm a bitch everyone thinks so. Last time I checked only he thought that, mostly because I don't let him molest me during parties and I didn't do whatever he wanted despite his annoying glares. Oh, and possibly because he has a crush on my boyfriend and likes to molest him at parties as well. This is not proven, though. He's really the type of guy who will paw anything that's breathing.

So, of course this guy is always having fun with people in facebook pictures, tons of people write on his wall, everyone gets excited when he arrives. I know right now it seems like I have no life outside of facebook, but these examples are from college so that's how I know what's going on now. Really, only about 50% of my life is on facebook. Promise.

Anyway, it's just so hard for me to understand why you can have all the friends in the world if you are fun and do awful things to people, but not if you are truly a good person but not the life of the party. It makes no sense to me. I will always hold people accountable for their past actions. I think it's important to show that there are consequences. I actively avoid both of these people, partly because I don't want people like that in my life, and partly because I don't think they deserve to have me as a friend. So, can we please start valuing honesty and goodness over pure fun? If karma doesn't exist, let's make it.

Things that I never imagined happening

2009-10-12T23:35:00.004-04:00

When I was at Mt. Holyoke, we were told that if you didn't turn the valve on the radiators all the way on then it would explode. They were the old-fashioned steam radiators and they made a racket. My apartment has the same type of steam radiator. I could tell that the heat was turned on today, so I pulled back my radiator cover and turned the valve all the way on. Everything was going well. I'm in my bed watching crappy tv online and go to grab my moisturizer. The bottle is wet. I look up. My apartment has been transformed into a sauna. I wish I had taken a picture because it was like I was living in a cloud. Don't ask how I didn't realize earlier- The Rachel Zoe project is very captivating.

I spring out of bed and frantically pull back the radiator cover to close the valve. I notice that the wall behind the radiator is covered in condensation, so I start wiping it off with a paper towel. My paint comes off with it. WTF?!

Now, I am certainly not an expert on painting, but that's not supposed to happen, right? I thought it was only wallpaper that came off with steam. The suckiest part is that it happened the most right outside of where the radiator cover is, so that won't hide it. It seriously bubbled up and then peeled off. I'm going to let everything dry and swing by a paint store on the weekend to buy something to touch it up with.

Has this every happened to anyone else? I now have all the windows open, trying to dry everything out. Oh, and today I had to moderate a fight between the girls I babysit because the 4th grader accidentally damaged the 6th grader's Twilight calendar and then the 6th grader called her a bitch. My life is ridiculous- y/y?

No one has calves like yours

2009-10-11T01:45:00.005-04:00

The Tudors has made me nostalgic for learning about crazy medieval people. If you are reading this and have the opportunity to take a course about anything medieval, please do. I think that all medievalists really enjoy their profession and love pointing out anything lewd, crass, ironic, or downright insane that went on back then. For example, one of my favorite medievalists at gotmedieval.blogspot.com posted this scan from a book called Law, Sex, and Christian Society in Medieval Europe by James A. Brundage (who I guess will also have to go on my list of favorite people now):

Honestly, aside from being naked and wanting a child, I could totally go by those rules. I mean, who would want to have sex while super full from a feast or weak and cranky from a fast? And Sunday is the day of rest aka the day you run around like mad getting everything done if you're a grad student. I guess advent is sort of long, but you get to eat chocolate instead. I know, I know "Your poor boyfriend!" but whatever. If a guy is dating you with sex being a main factor, then you shouldn't be dating him. This generation seriously needs to realize how sex is simultaneously a big deal and also not that important. Or maybe I'm just incredibly abnormal. Oh, and if that chart doesn't make you want to become a medievalist, you should still what The Tudors. I have a big crush on Charles Brandon, Duke of Suffolk.

While we're on the topic of this generation (sort of), can I discuss how much I hate when people start to like a type of music just because it's popular? Why, yes I can. I was thinking today about how if someone looked at the music on my computer they would think that about 5 different people all shared. I don't mind this. I don't have a favorite type or artist or song. I'm fine with that. The only types I don't have are probably country and trance/techno type stuff, but every now and then I can enjoy those if it's the right song. I like being flexible. This is different than being tool.

The story that is forever ingrained in my mind about this has to do with my high-school boyfriend. When we first started dating he only liked to listen to non-mainstream rap that was either emotional about being poor and in a gang or chauvinistic and about how fun it was to hit a different or multiple girl(s) every night. Don't get me wrong, I totally love the second category for dancing to and generally acting like an idiot. I like to pump the breaks on my care so it can dance to the music. My point is just that this is the only type of music he wanted to listen to. It was the early 2000s and I was really into the emerging em0-punk genre. I would try to share my music with him, finding it oh-so relatable. He would refuse, probably saying something along the lines of, "Fuck that. He's such a fucking pussy. 'Oh, I'm so sad because a girl doesn't like me, now I'll slit my wrists.' I'm not listening to that asshole." And, yeah, that's really how he would talk. No, I don't know why I dated him for so long.

Anyway, that is your background info. During my first year of college we were trying to do the whole ";et's be friends" thing. I believe it was either the summer after my first year or winter break into my second year. It doesn't really matter. The point is, during the time in between me trying to get him to listen to music I liked and this story, emo had gotten popular with hipsters and eyeliner boys being all the rage. I had been growing up and outgrowing the more whiny sounding artists, leaning towards a more mellow feel. We were in my car with my MP3 player plugged into the tape deck and skipping songs looking for one I wanted to listen to. When "Bright Eyes" by Simon and Garfunkel popped up, the first boyfriend got super excited and was like "OMG, Bright Eyes, I love this band!" Me: "No, it's the song by Simon and Garfunkel." Him: "Oh, screw that."

Seriously?!?! The guy who just a year and a half ago mocked me relentellsly for my music was now peeing his pants over Bright Eyes?! Connor Oberst?! Are you kidding me?!?! I know I had sent him "Lover I Don't Have to Love" and "A Perfect Sonnet." I know he had made fun of them. He had made fun of songs that were infinitely less emotional and had better vocals! Of course I called him out on it and, being the revisionist he is, he claimed that it never happened.

Things like that piss me off. Don't pigeon-hole yourself just to seem cool or counterculture or because you are grasping for an identity. People should be multi-dimensional. I love watching ANTM and Tool Academy (seriously, BEST.SHOW.EVER), but I also enjoy documentaries about critical social issues in our society. I read both I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell and books on Ancient Greece for fun. Oh, and don't be a hypocrite. If you find that you now enjoy something you didn't before, admit it. Say, "I know I didn't like this in the past, but now I've come to enjoy it. It grew on me." I'm so sick of people that need to portray an image or have such a need to be liked that they'll buy into whatever is popular.

On that note: please everyone stop wearing leggings. I know they're trendy right now, but even Tim Gunn agrees with me on this! If you're not a stick they just make you look fat and if you are a stick then you make everyone feel bad and feel fat (even if you do look somewhat cute). I get that sometimes it is cold but you already wore the only two pairs of jeans that look good on you so you want to wear a dress or maybe just a long tunic shirt, but that's what opaque tights were invented for. Since they don't end at your ankle, they create a longer line on your leg, which makes you look taller and slimmer. AND WHATEVER YOU'RE WEARING ON TOP MUST STILL COVER YOUR BUTT! Leggings are not pants. Tights are not pants. I got a text message from a friend just yesterday complaining about someone wearing tights with a top that was too short and she was getting really grossed out. Don't be the girl who grosses other people out to the point where you're made fun of in other people's text messages.

And now it's almost 3am and I'm babbling about stupid ex-boyfriends and leggings. I blame it on the NyQuil and my cough of death. At least I don't have the sweating disease.

Rock your body 'till Canada Day

2009-10-04T01:22:00.006-04:00

In my opinion, Robin Sparkles is the second best thing about How I Met Your Mother. I started watching this show a few weeks ago and I'm already on the fourth season. While NPH is my new crush and gives me something to daydream about, Robin Sparkles is who I go to for an immediate pick-me-up. So what if my apartment is a mess, I'm running out of clean clothes, I constantly feel like my professors hate me, my workload and jobs leave me exhausted, and my boyfriend is too consumed with grad school applications to be supportive? I'll just go to the mall.

PS: I have a friend from Canada and, while she speaks with almost no accent, she really does pronounce sorry just like in the video.

C is for Cookie

2009-09-28T14:24:00.004-04:00

Last night I made these:

Snickerdoodles. I arrived at my love for these cookies rather late in life. I vaguely remember hearing them mentioned when I was younger, but the only time I really took notice was when Veronica made them for Wallace and it was very touching because he thought she hated all school spirit things and didn't support him in being a basketball star. Anyway, I still didn't really know what type of cookie it was. I thought that they were pretty much snickers turned into a cookie.

During my junior year of college, I finally experienced them. I was given a bag of cookies as a Christmas present from one of Mike's friends. It contained illusive snickerdoodle. There were fights about who should give whom extras, stealthy attempts at stealing from each other, and all sort of other nice things couples do when cookies are involved. While I was slightly disappointed that this mystical cookie was just a sugar cookie rolled in cinnamon and sugar, I was not disappointed with how they tasted.

I used this recipe, but halved it except for the vanilla. I love vanilla and usually find that most recipes do not contain enough for me. I used ener-g egg replacer for all of the cornstarch and almond milk instead of soy milk because that's what I had in my kitchen. I also replaced 1/2 cup of the flour with whole wheat flour. Besides being healthier, I like the hardier texture it provides. The only change I would make is baking them on 325 for about 14 minutes. I like my cookies to be crispy on the outside and these stayed fairly soft even after cooling. I also completely missed the part about flattening them a bit before cooking. That could contribute to the lack of crisp. The important part is: the taste is amazing. I have already eaten about 5 of these. I'd like to point out that the first snickerdoodles I had were not vegan, and these are every bit as good. I always feel like I have to defend vegan baking, even though so many people have eaten my baked goods over the years and had no clue they were vegan.

So, that was my exciting night. I had a pretty crap week, but cookies always make up for things like that. I'm fairly sure they're magical.

Black Pepper, Please!

2009-09-13T22:43:00.002-04:00

This is seriously the best thing ever:

I wish Snoop Dogg could come to my kitchen.

PDA: Public, Disgusting Affection

2009-09-12T17:42:00.004-04:00

Very few things turn my stomach. I am fine with blood, vomit, feces, gory movies, etc. It's not like I like these things, but they don't make me cringe either. The one surefire way to make me want to simultaneously throw up and smack you across the face? PDA.

People who practice PDA like to say that those offended by it are simply jealous- they're the hags who have no boyfriends, no passion, not even a skeezy guy hitting on them. They are wrong. I have a boyfriend. I've dated. I know what it's like to feel in love. However, I don't know what it's like to have the urge to slather spit all over someone in public. Where does that urge come from? Am I missing a gene?

Today waiting for the subway there was a woman who had the entire top of a guy's ear in her mouth. That's right, HALF HIS EAR WAS INSIDE HER MOUTH! IN THE SUBWAY! The subway is dirty. New York is dirty. Ears are not exempt from dirt. She stood there for a full minute just sucking on the top of his ear. How is that fun? I gave her a dirty look, but it did not help the situation. She continued to kiss her boyfriend on the cheek and randomly suck his ear.

Some people say to just look away when you see something you don't like, but I can't. I have to stare. It's the train wreck problem. You don't want to look, but you can't look away. I once spent several stops watching a girl lick and kiss her guy's neck WITH A KID (I assume at least one of them is the parent) IN A STROLLER IN FRONT OF THEM. By the way, I did not spot a wedding ring. That is no way to behave around your child, let alone in a public space.

So, I would like to list some alternatives to PDA for those of you who are addicts:
1. Conversation. Yes, actually talk to the person you're dating. What? You thought the point of dating was to exchange as many fluids as possible? No. You should enjoy each others' company in all aspects of life, even those that don't involve a tongue.
2. Listen to the same song. Get a splitter for your earbuds, relax, and enjoy.
3. Hold hands. It won't gross people out and still shows affection.
4. Break up. If you can't walk down the street without making out, then you are too obsessed with the person and need to get a life of your own.
5. Chew gum. It will satisfy your oral fixation.

So Manhattan, I really hope you take my advice. I know that many people feel the same way. It's time to stop being selfish and restrain yourself for the greater good.

Fall Out Francis Bacon

2009-09-07T23:13:00.001-04:00

You know when something completely trivial blows your mind? Today I went to the Met with my parents, where my mom's favorite gallery is the gift shop. We were walking around and I saw this shirt that said Francis Bacon on the front. On the top back it said "Champagne for my real friends," and on the lower back "real pain for my sham friends." I stood there starting at it. I couldn't figure it out. How were these two things connected? Then I went home and googled. Apparently I know nothing about Francis Bacon or the lives of important artists, because I legit thought that Fall Out Boy had made up that line. I feel like such a bad art historian. I mean, the totally ridiculous Pete Wentz knew this quote and I didn't! Maybe he got it from The 25th Hour. That would make me feel better. I refuse to be less intellectual than Pete Wentz.

Anyway, I really like this shirt:

Also, for those of you in the market for a housewarming gift for me (which should be everyone because gifts are the best way in which to express friendship and love), these are at the top of my list:

More can be found here.

Now that I am done letting everyone know that I lack knowledge and certainly am not lacking in materialism, I am going to try to get to bed at a decent hour. After the Banana Republic fiasco, I have an interview tomorrow for an after-school babysitting position and also plan to go to the open interview sessions at Anthropologie and American Apparel. I doubt I'll get an American Apparel job, though. I do not own a single pair of leggings.

Mission Accomplished- new mission underway

2009-09-03T21:00:00.000-04:00

My sink is working! After much small-talk (I was tempted to just be like, "I'll come back in an hour." I hate small-talk.), profanities on the part of my super, and possibly getting hit on by one of the elevator operators who came to help, I can finally use the sink in my bathroom. The worst part was that the guy then apologized to me that it took so long, explaining he would have come sooner if he had known how screwed up it was. Um, what part of "My sink doesn't work. The plumbing isn't hooked up correctly," is unclear? I just smiled and said, "That's ok." I can't help it. I was brought up to be a "Good Girl" and always struggle with its curse.

The thing is, my boyfriend (who will hopefully not take offense to me saying this) is also a "Good Girl." I realized this after hearing him try a few times to resolve various conflicts over the phone with companies that were acting jerky. He never raised his voice, never made a demand, didn't cut anyone off, and ended up being disappointed. Then I realized, "Crap. I have to be the one that makes customer service representatives cry." I mean, every family has that person, right? Or maybe it's just my dad. He goes a bit overboard, as he really has made many people cry, but he gets things done. I've heard him on business calls, totally unafraid of insulting people, calling them out, and saying with complete confidence "No, you're wrong." No apologies. I could never do that. I come out of meetings and interviews with my cheeks hurting from smiling so much and ready to cry because all of the pleasantness has been drained out of me. He offered to call to make the super fix my sink, but I told him not to. I have no idea whether or not he did, but I'm hoping he didn't. I like having this victory, even if it is small and delayed.

Anyway, my point is that no one should think that the guy is the one who can get things done. I went to Mt. Holyoke for Frances Perkins' sake! I should be able to say that I need the sink fixed today, rather than asking, "Do you think you'll have time?" or saying in an apologetic, high-pitched voice, "Sorry to bother you about this again, but..." Because I'm not sorry! It should have been done days ago! I'm sick of apologizing when someone else bumps into me on the street. I'm sick of passive-aggressive behavior (my friend Caitlin and I discuss this regularly and have decided we're not going to do it or deal with it anymore.) I'm sick of seeing whatever movie someone else wants to see just to avoid a conflict. Once in high school my friend actually yelled at my (ex)boyfriend that we weren't going to see the movie he wanted to because she knew I didn't want to see it and always just did what would make him happy. Instead of embracing this, I couldn't even let them have their conflict. I said that I did want to see the movie, and then sat through some stupid movie with guns and cops that I don't even remember the name of. Seriously, how sad is that? I've gotten better- especially at kicking people out of my life who don't care about my opinion or take advantage of the fact that I'm a people-pleaser- but there's still a long way to go. It still took a week for my sink to be repaired. So, one of my grad school goals is to break the Good Girl Curse- to do what needs to get done and not worry about how it causes me to be viewed.

A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. -Gloria Steinem

Blame it on the girls, blame it on the boys

2009-09-01T10:06:00.001-04:00

I have been agonizing over what to write as my first entry. I could have written about moving in to my apartment, but that mostly involved fearing for my life while my brother drove my car in (I cannot parallel park), getting ridiculously sweaty from walking up and down the block with bags of clothing, and discovering that my sink doesn't work. I could have written about unpacking and how I am too lazy to do a nice job of it. But now I've actually written about these things in bringing you to what I'm going to actually write: the complaint list. This is everything that is wrong in my life now that wasn't wrong before moving in.

1. Bathroom sink does not function. I told the super about this on Wednesday when I was moving in. He was busy with other random stuff. We told him I would be back the next day to actually move in, so he could go into my apartment any time to fix it. When I saw him that night, he said "You should have told me you were going to be here today. I would have come over to fix the sink." I informed him I would be home all day tomorrow (Friday) and he could come any time. Of course that did not happen. I saw him on the elevator on Saturday and reminded him about my sink, as well as getting a laundry card and mailbox key. He said I would see him tomorrow. I had my doubts that he would come on a Sunday, but tried to be optimistic. No luck. I reminded him again yesterday. Tomorrow will be one full week since I first informed him. How do I get him to fix it? I do not want to get on his bad side by being obnoxious and constantly pestering him, but I need a bathroom sink! I have been brushing my teeth in the kitchen. It doesn't seem that annoying until you have to do it. I really have no idea how to remedy this problem. Do I keep finding him and complaining until it's done? Do I call the management company and say the super isn't doing his job? Do I leave passive aggressive notes lining the halls of the apartment building?

2. My dog thinks my bed is a burrow and that every human she encounters outside of my apartment is a dog-eating monster. I was woken up at 6am Monday morning by weird vibrations and scratching sounds coming from under my bed. I look under, and there is Kaeli lying next to a hole she had created in the box spring. Shards of fabric are hanging down. She gives me a look that says "This is my hole; get away... but don't be mad at me!" I can't really be surprised. She did this with couches in my parents house and would sleep inside of them all the time. It's like the terrier version of a hammock or those hanging chairs. Part of me knows she can't help it- she's a Jack Russell and the result of hundreds of years of breeding for digging into small dark places- but the other part of me just doesn't want my box spring destroyed. My half-asleep 6am solution was to line my bed with leftover boxes and random crap in my apartment. This did not work. No matter how secure I tried to make it, she found a way in. She also acted like I was trying to skin her alive whenever I attempted to pull her out from under the bed. I ended up putting her in her crate until I woke up at 9. Once I was more awake, I did a better job of barricading the bed, since it turned out my barely functioning 6am solution is also my fully functioning 10am solution. It seemed to work, as she did not go under there once all day. Then 2:30am rolled around. Scratch, tear, scratch, tear coming from under my bed. I drag more random crap over to by bed. I have to pull the bed away from the wall to get Kaeli out. I can't remember how many times I attempted to keep her out, but it was too many for 3 in the morning. I put her in her crate. I figured she could just sleep in there for 6 hours. Apparently, she could only sleep in there for about 1 1/2 hours. Cue pathetic whining, scratching at every part of the crate, and literally throwing herself against the sides. I tried to ignore it. I tried yelling at her. Eventually I just let her out to burrow in the bed. I was 4:30am and I did not care. I think she might have managed to get inside it since it took her a while to come out for her walk this morning. Under the bed storage bags are on their way. If there is no room under the bed, she can't burrow into it, right? I just hope she doesn't try to scratch her way inside the bags.

3. Banana Republic is either bipolar or incredibly disorganized. They offered me a job, and now seem to be ignoring me. Well, one person in particular. The person who said she would set up my orientation and training. I need a job, and I want that one. I don't feel like applying to other places, and I shouldn't have to since I was told they would love to have me work there. THEY HIRED ME! I shouldn't have to chase them down, but I did. I was told she would call me soon. Still no word. That was over a week ago. I left a message yesterday. I'm calling again today.

4. My feet hurt from walking so much.

I have my advising meeting today. Even though there's no reason to be nervous, I'm nervous. I just want to make a good impression, which is totally normal. Everyone should be concerned about making a good impression. I just tend to think everyone is going to hate me because all of my high school teachers hated me. That's a stupid reason, especially since most of my college professors really liked me, but there it is. Why is it that high school insecurities are the hardest to shake? Also, can someone seriously give me advice on what to do about the bathroom sink?

Now as an antidote to all the negativity written above, here is my new favorite get pumped song (yes, I did get it from Make It or Break It):