All the space and mystery- we can begin again

You know how things don't seem real when no one else sees it? Maybe this is why we all have to document our lives on Facebook and Twitter and blogs. To prove our own existence. Without getting into actual philosophy, it does seem that we have to have other people validate not only that we exist, but that we are worthwhile and that what we do is ok. No matter what society, there are rules and a need for communal acceptance. If you don't see me sleep until 2pm and then eat pasta for every single meal, I guess it doesn't happen. Now that I've blogged about it, maybe it did.

Somewhere, I wish there were a video of things that really happened. Once you start learning about memory, it's hard to shake that your own reality is completely constructed- by yourself, by the media, by others. It's impossible to know what really went on. And even if there were videos of the entire world encompassing every second of the day, you cannot see into people's heads. You cannot know their intentions.

In high school, my then boyfriend gave me the present of a watch. I did not want a watch. I told him repeatedly not to buy me a watch. I explained that I am picky and really just want to wear cheap sports watches from Target because they have everything I want and I don't feel guilty when they break. Of course, he comes over to my house one day and gives me a watch like it is the greatest, most perfect, most thoughtful gift. Everyone who knows me knows that I was raised to abide by the highest laws of etiquette. Someone could give me a dead rat as a present and I would smile and thank them, and maybe laugh like I was in on the joke that would prompt such a gift. So of course I smiled and thanked him for the watch. I said I would put it in my jewelry box and save it for a nice occasion. That's when he flips out, grabs the watch, and runs downstairs ranting about how I clearly don't want it. He tries to get my mom to take it because, according to him, I made a face, said "Ew, I don't want this" and threw the watch back in his face."

Obviously that never happened. I would never say that. But he swears that's what I did. Maybe my face did have a flash of annoyance go across it. It's nearly impossible to control all of your facial expressions. But there's no way that I actually threw it back at him and said "ew." So why does he believe this? I mean, he's probably forgotten about it by now, but what went on in his brain to construct that reality? And I mean besides being sort of psycho with a bad temper. Maybe his reality was created on what I was actually feeling.

At least in person you have several senses working to tell you what is going on. Online, it's just sight. Maybe sound. Remember lonleygirl15? For a while, it was real to most people that there was a pretty girl who was part of some strange religion and just wanted some friends on youtube. Then it became reality that the whole thing was fake. How many people out there have constructed personas out of people they only know online? Feeling like they truly know who they are?

And maybe you do. Maybe not seeing someone lets you know their mind better. Maybe the anonymity allows people to explore parts of themselves that won't show in the "real world" because then those things become real. Isn't that partly why people go to therapists? It's easier to talk to a stranger who isn't part of your "real life." So then what is real life?

This is what happens to a girl with too many ghosts in her past.

To err is human, to forgive divine

Sadly, I will have an apotheosis and reach the level of a divine being. I hold a grudge like nobody's business. Today's A Softer World pretty much sums it up:


The scroll-over text reads: Well, he won't forget getting kneecapped.

Yes, I realize it's sad that I stay bitter for so long and plan my cutting words if ever the moment to use them should arrive. But sometimes people just need to be put in their place, no matter how long it takes. Better strap on some padding people who have wronged me in the past!

Why I can't lose weight

About twice a month I tell myself I'm going to get serious about getting toned up and losing some weight. In high school I was horseback riding 6 days a week. Once I quit, I was going to the gym around 5 days a week. I was always in great shape. Then college came. I hated how long a walk it was to the gym, the food had high fructose corn syrup and tons of salt in it, and I wasn't participating in anything that would keep me fit. Since then, my body has been in a general state of decline. Despite my announcements (to myself... alone in my apartment... usually while watching something on my computer and eating...) that I will get in shape soon, I never do.

Here are some of the things that are holding me back:

1. I can't run outside. Gyms in Manhattan cost around $200 a month. Yes, PER MONTH!

2. Baking. I'm addicted to baking. I usually try to make my stuff on the healthier side, but no matter what a cookie isn't going to help shed the pounds.

3. Not getting started. I know this seems obvious, but the key to getting in shape is having a routine and sticking to it. If I just got into the habit of working out, it would seem natural to do it several times a week. It would feel weird not doing it. Once I start I can probably keep going, but starting in the first place is so hard...

4. Having people be "nice" and saying that I look great. I look fine. I'm certainly not obese or anything. But I don't look great, either. I know it's polite among women to tell each other that you're perfect as is but... STOP LYING, PEOPLE! If you say I could stand to lose a few pounds then it will motivate me to exercise!

5. Being able to watch tv on my computer. I will sit for hours watch old episodes of shows I like. God, I am so boring.

Anyone have any tips for how to get started with a workout routine? I have zero money and seriously cannot jog or run outside. Think I'm kidding? My legs turn red, I get out of breath, and I feel like I'm going to pass out. This doesn't happen at all if I'm in a gym on a treadmill. I've tried a lot, but no luck. What can I do?

It's almost 3am and I cannot sleep. One night when I was up until about 6 I looked up what could be wrong with me. I'm fairly sure that I have a circadian rhythm sleep disorder called delayed sleep-phase syndrome. And by fairly sure I mean I looked it up on wikipedia and now I've decided that's what my problem is. Apparently I've tried "controlled sleep deprivation" before, but I've always failed. My other options are to sit around in the dark for a few hours before I want to sleep, take Melatonin, smoke some weed, or take some chemical drugs. Then there's the option of shifting my life around so that I can sleep the hours my body wants, but that doesn't really seem practical. Night at the Museum isn't real.

My biggest desire right now (aside from normal sleeping habits) is to go to a Lady Gaga concert. I checked online, but ticket are super expensive. I already accidentally spent, like, $200 more than I wanted to this month and now have to go return clothing that I may or may not have worn and spilled white wine on. Anyone want to donate to the send a poor grad student to see Gaga fund? I will make you Snickerdoodles once a month for the rest of your life.

Differently Qualified

Cover letters are a load of crap. Just putting that out there. I don't understand their purpose. I've been told that they are supposed to expand on your resume, but really, what's there to expand upon? Not only did I make copies for idiots, but I smiled while doing it! Or maybe I managed to not destroy anything ancient or leak information about rich people when I was cataloguing Greek coins! How about I actually hate people, but I am short and blonde and cute so everyone thinks I'm super nice! Let me sell things for you! My friend and I were seriously considering pulling a Joey Comeau today.

The thing I like least about cover letters is that you write them, then you go for the interview, and they ask you about the same effing things you wrote about in your cover letter! It's ridiculous. Why did I spend hours debating sentence structure and ask 5 friends to read this when I get in there only to be asked "So, what type of experience do you have in this field?" or "Why do you think you would enjoy this job?" Come on... seriously?

Then there's the issue that I am totally able to do certain jobs, but don't have the experience. Can someone please explain to me why someone with a college degree who is currently in a Master's program at NYU needs 3 years experience to be a receptionist? Do companies really think I've gone this far in life and can't file things, use a computer, or answer the phone? Of course I am nowhere near qualified enough for most museum jobs. Sure, the cover letter is supposed to convince people you're the perfect match for their position, but if you don't have the background, you don't.

How does anyone find a decent job? Please tell me your secrets.

When the grass isn't greener

Let's just all admit now that we sometimes get self-conscious about how we look. I would say it happens to me at least once a day, especially living in New York with super-model looking girls everywhere. So, every time I get down on myself because of my looks, I just have to remember I am the same age as Lindsay Lohan:

Kids today

I'm feeling guilty for not going to work today, so obviously the best way to make myself feel better is justifying it in a blog entry. I'm not normally scheduled to work Wednesdays, but since my classes are over I said I might come in. The teacher I work with said, "Sure, come in any time." I was fully planning on going.

Then I woke up this morning and realized how much I don't want to put myself through extra time there. Yesterday, after an already long day of kids (really just two or three of the boys) treating me like dirt, the real kicker happened. We're walking down the stairs at the end of the day when one of the boys leaves his line spot and starts whispering to two other boys about something he did to a fourth boy. I was just going to let it be because it was the end of the day, but then the fourth boy discovers what was done to him: an open packet of either cream cheese or mayonnaise was put into the side pocket of his backpack. Now, the fourth boy is really annoying, has no social skills, and generally gets on everyone's nerves, but doing something mean like that goes way beyond what is acceptable. The teacher and I don't care if no one is friends with that fourth boy, but obviously we're not going to let anyone deliberately do mean things to him.

So, fourth boy finds this because he realized the other three boys were talking about him and I tell him just tell the teacher when we get outside. The culprit sees the fourth boy with the packet of gross stuff and pretends to not know what it is. Fourth boy says the culprit put it there. The culprit insists he didn't. At this point I step in and say "Culprit, I heard you telling the other two boys exactly what you did. Don't pretend you didn't do it. Stop lying because I know the truth." He kept insisting he didn't do it. His grandmother was informed of what happened and will be coming in for a conference.

By the way, this happened AFTER the culprit took someone else's lunch box and hit another kid in the face with it and then tried to say it was fine because the other kid didn't get hurt. This is also after another kid would just repeat everything I said to him back to me in an obnoxious tone and then threatened to tell his mom after he said something about me being nicer than the student teacher and I said "Everyone would be nice to you all the time if you were always doing the right thing." I told him I would gladly have him tell his mom that I was encouraging him to do the right thing. The culrpit also insisted that if I told the teacher how obnoxious he was by constantly talking back to me that I would get in trouble for interrupting her. Another kid almost threw a fit because I wouldn't let him make an accordion out of scrap paper when he was supposed to be doing word study.

So, that is why I didn't go in today. It shouldn't matter since I'm not officially scheduled to and the teacher I work with is really laid back. Also, I think I have giant papillary conjunctivitis. I want to use this afternoon to make various doctor appointments since my body is falling apart.